As much of a wordsmith that I like to believe I am, something that really puts me at a loss of words are situations with unwanted verbal advances. In popular culture this is called “Thirst” or “Thirsty”. I’ll use it in a sentence, “This man the other day was so gross. He started hitting on me and asked if I’ve ever had chocolate before! People are so thirsty now-a-days!” Thirst is just someone who is relentless with their flirtation, to the point it becomes offensive.
That situation actually happened to me the other day. I was at work and a man came up to me, complimented my eyes and proceeded with his dirty pickup line “you ever had chocolate before, girl?”. Now before I get into this, I just want to have a moment of silence for the death of my sanity because I will never be able to think of chocolate the same again…
Ok. Hi, guys.
Usually, when I’m being hit on I just smile and nod. This works for me because I don’t know how to respond. It’s embarrassing! What are people supposed to say to that chocolate comment anyway! “Oh well, I’m not really one for sweet things”… No. That’s just asking for a more perverse conversation. Believe me I know, because I did say something like that to this man, The Chocolate Deviant, and he seemed more offended with my response than I was with his question.
So, I’ll just stick to my guns. Smile and nod until I figure out a better way to respond. Usually, I make out ok. But what has grown to bother me is at the end of the day, I don’t feel like I won. That I didn’t do or say enough. A man who feels obligated to speak inappropriately to a woman is a disgrace and should be put in his place. Or should be left feeling so uncomfortable that he doesn’t know what to do besides smile, nod, and walk off. The discomfort that was felt on my behalf, should also be displaced back onto him.
So how does one do this? Comebacks? Possibly.
I can never EVER think of a good comeback; or if I do, then it’s always hours later after retelling the story to my friends. I know I’m not the only person that seems to figure out the right words when it’s too late; and I’m most certainly not the first person who’s experienced these awkward run-ins…I hope. I’m sure there are men out there who have also felt verbally violated by a thirsty ratchet female too. So I ask everyone, what is going on people? This issue is getting out of hand and I need to learn how to deflect them!
Typically, I can spot a trollop approaching my vicinity. I mean, they aren’t really trying to hide their intentions either. If a man is staring you up and down, biting his lip and saying “Mmm, Girl”, it’s probably fair to say he’s wanting your lady lumps and doesn’t care who knows. So, if they don’t care how ridiculous he/she looks; then help them out! Make sure they leave the conversation feeling like a total degenerate.
This is what I need from you. I’m on a mission to rid the world of Perversion, one shameless hombre at a time. And, with our powers combined I think we can make this happen. If not, we’ll at least get a good laugh out of turning them into clowns.
Leave a comment or email me (firstname.lastname@example.org), and tell me about your awkward encounters. The most hilarious ones will be made into comic strips. Here’s mine. I made two, the first is how it typically goes down for me in these situations, and the second is what I wish would happen. Hopefully, one day with enough mental cheat codes and clever comebacks, I’ll no longer have to quietly dismiss these fools. Hope you enjoy!
*I want to thank my friend, George, for being a good sport and acting out this little project with me.